John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
