I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize