Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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