My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
