Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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