My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
