Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
