If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
