I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
