I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize