In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
