If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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