You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
