are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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