new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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