he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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