If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
