so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
