what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize