Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
