Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
