The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
