I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize