I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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