I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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