Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
