Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
