Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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