after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
