yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
