i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
