I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can you bring me the toilet please
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
