I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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