just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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