Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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