Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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