I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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