what day is it and did you see me today?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
