We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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