He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
