The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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