woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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