I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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