We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Randomize
