i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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