I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
