we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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