Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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