Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
