wanna go halves on a baby?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
