The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
