just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
