My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
