Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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