If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
