he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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