I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
