At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
