i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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