We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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