i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
