its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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