Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
